Why am I doing this again?

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think...yep...this was a great idea. I have a plan. And plans are good. If I didn't have a plan I would be lost. So, god bless this plan.

Other times I wake up in the morning and think...ah s#*t, why am I doing this again? Wait...what was I doing again? I thought working full-time and getting a PhD was a good idea, a really good one at that. I thought, well...once I do that I'm pretty much done with official schooling, that I'll have the tools necessary to take on the world, and that any other schooling I'm going to get will be throughout life and through bumbling against other people that are equally bumbling around (who by the way will be apologizing and saying "sorry for bumbling into you Dr. Carmen").

In theory and most of the time in practice, taking this on was a good idea. But it's those other times, when my brain is so full that it cannot handle any more stimulation or input of information, or coffee--that forming sentences becomes a chore--such a chore that only jabbering sounds coming out of my wild eyed face. And I wonder or perhaps twitch more so about my future as a well-spoken and highly educated person (at least that would be my hope), and that my choice of activities for the next 3-4 years is like a piano around my neck.

Needless to say I'm feeling the pressure of time and its effects. I'm no old lady yet, but I remember when I could stay up all night and all day and all night to get things done. I remember when I could look at sleep in the eye and say "not today", maybe after I finish this 30 page paper, go to work, then to class, and have dinner. I suppose that with time comes experience and that I'm certainly better at juggling my waking hours and the responsibilities that come with them. My only quarrel really is that no matter what people told me, no matter what my parents said (and I thank them for arming me as best they can), we never are really prepared for this, we really, honestly don't know what we're doing. And I suppose that I'm okay with that, just mildly irritated that in general we lack foresight, and are loaded with hindsight.

So without foresight, and with alot of hindsight, I trudge on because I love what I'm doing despite how poor I am, and despite how tired I am, and despite how much this schooling is taking away from my knitting time. Honestly if I could get a PhD in knitting I would.

I keep the needles and the yarn around though, and try to force as much knitting into any free time I have regardless of how wierdly people look at me in public. I drag them with me to class, to places where I have to wait for things or for things to happen, to dinner with friends, to bars for drinks, to business trips, in car rides anywhere. It's the thing I grab along with other necessities when leaving home for any period of time (from running errands to road trips)...where I find myself at the top of the stairs saying--wallet, check, cellphone, check, lights turned off, check, directions to destination, check, knitting, check. With all that, I know I can pretty much do anything.